Classroom bulletin: story three

Consider these leads, and ask yourself: Would I read farther into this story after reading the lead?

When Carmen Foucault, of 1425 Penham Avenue, Blaine, Minn., arrived at Mercy Hospital in Coon Rapids on Wednesday, October 28th, doctors told her that her son would not survive and that he could be a donor if he was kept alive until they could remove his organs. What she got a few days later was a bill from Mercy Hospital.

Marsha L. Taylor, 37, of Coon Rapids is an avid bicyclist. She is recovering from injuries she received when she was hit by a car while riding her bicycle. 

A 37-year-old avid bicyclist was out for a short ride when she was hit by a car from behind which sent her flying off the bike and inflicting serious injuries. 

Marsha L. Taylor was released from the hospital Tuesday after a bike accident left her in the hospital with multiple injuries.

Kevin Blohm was murdered in an early-morning robbery at North Point Inn restaurant yesterday.  Nina Cortez, the resident bookkeeper, says that $130 was stolen from her by an armed man in his early 20s.  

Around 9 A.M. yesterday morning, Nina Cortez, former bookkeeper of North Point Inn, found Kevin Blohm lying on the floor, dead. 

Local Restaurant Worker is stabbed and killed by a masked man in an attempted robbery.

Around 9 A.M. yesterday morning, Nina Cortez, former bookkeeper of North Point Inn, found Kevin Blohm lying on the floor, dead. 

College student Michele Schipper fought back yesterday when a man demanded her purse outside a convenience store in Motley. 

A local college student, Michele Schipper, took down a robber who tried to make her a victim at 4:00 p.m., Monday afternoon. She punched and kicked her way to safety. 

Today at 4 pm a robbery was committed at in a convenience store parking lot but the tables were turned on the robber thanks to the action of the victim, Michele Schipper.

QUOTES

Some of you are punctuating quotes incorrectly. Here is a video where I show you how to do it correctly. http://iteachjournalism.blogspot.com/2010/03/video-how-to-punctuate-quotes.html

Be sure to place your comma in the correct place, as well as your punctuation marks. And be sure to use past tense for statements of attribution. Said not says.

EXAMPLE #1: “It really only lasted a second, just as long as it would take for you to kick someone and then drive away in the car. It really only lasted a second.” Schipper commented. 

FIX: “It really only lasted a second, just as long as it would take for you to kick someone and then drive away in the car. It really only lasted a second,” Schipper commented. 

EXAMPLE #2: “It really only lasted a second, just as long as it would take for you to kick someone and then drive away in the car. Said Schipper. “It really only lasted a second.” 

FIX:  “It really only lasted a second, just as long as it would take for you to kick someone and then drive away in the car,“ said Schipper. “It really only lasted a second.” 

THINGS OF NOTE:

• Remember to use past tense for words of attribution: said not says.

• The correct name of the college is Anoka-Ramsey Community College. Note the capitalization and hyphen.

• Remember to point out in the story where you got the information that you included in your story. Was it from an official source, like the police chief? Or from an eyewitness? For example, in the robbery story, you need to say: according to Nina Cortez, she was was counting money when a man came in and grabbed $130 off her desk. Or, Michele Schipper recalled that she was walking back to her car at the convenience store when a man came up to her and said, “Give me your purse.”

• One of the best ways you can end a feature story is with a quote.

Consider these examples:

Example #1) She said, “Well, the main thing is protective clothing, especially the helmet. I never ride unless I have my helmet. It probably saved my life.”

Example #2) Gant added, “Think of sleep like exercise. People exercise because it's healthy. Sleep is healthy.”